Of Laserguns and Lipstick
by HotaruGFC
Summary: Dumb little bit of randomness. Who says FemShep can't have a bit of a girly side? Was intended as a one shot, but apparently FemShep had somethings she needed to say, and Kaidan wouldn't shut up. Will likely have a choice between two possible endings.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: ok, this popped into my head and I couldn't focus on my other story until I hammered it out. Just so you know, I do think that my Shepard has a bit of a feminine side. I know her hair is long because I made her wear a bun (which just doesn't work with hair that isn't longer than shoulder length—I've tried). I may add to it later, but I just felt the need for my Shep to display her girly side a bit. I love the contrast of this bad-ass marine being equally comfortable in silk and heels as in her armor. Who says she can't be both?

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Of Laserguns and Lipstick

Mira Shepard had always had a slightly girly side. She didn't let it out often. Hell, she hadn't let it out since she died (_It was Miranda's fault. Who'd want to compete with Little Miss Perfect?_). But she still felt it, sometimes anyway, begging to be set free, if only for a little while. Her mother always taught her and her sister both that it's important to be properly groomed. Now, while she was always impeccable in her appearance, it didn't always satisfy her need to feel pretty. And sometimes, she just wanted to feel like she was just that.

She had concluded her business on the Citadel, and despite the Council's warning to stick to the Terminus systems, she took it upon herself to take a little break. It was only for a few hours, but she needed some downtime, a bit to get her head put back together—especially after Horizon. She knew that it was important for them to keep in the fight, but truth be told, the entire crew could use a little R&R.

_Besides_, she thought, sometimes, _a girl just needs to put on her best heels and go out for a night._ And all her heels were stowed away on the Citadel.

Had this been a few years back, and had she been back on Arcturus, she would probably have grabbed a couple of girlfriends or acquaintances. But tonight, she wanted just for herself, a little bit of anonymity for once. Besides, if Miranda found out, she didn't know if she would live it down. And the last thing she needed was Little Miss Perfect's attitude.

She was surprised to find that her small storage unit remained intact, since she was declared KIA. Fortunately, with the reinstatement of her Spectre status, she did have access to a small bedroom off in Spectre headquarters. After her things had been delivered, she proceeded to sort through them. It wasn't much: a few trinkets from home in a box and a couple of suitcases for a shore leave that never happened. She dug through the suitcases and smiled as she pulled a dark green dress and black strappy heels. Running her fingers over the soft fabric, she sighed.

_Never did get to wear this for Kaidan, though I doubt it would have been on for long._

She set the clothing aside and stepped into the bathroom. After a quick shower and removal of her usual dark and severe Commander Shepard make-up, she slipped into the ensemble, relishing the feel of the silky fabric against her skin. She let her hair down so that it caressed her shoulders and hung freely down between her shoulder blades. It fell in crimson waves, but it also fell in her face. She rummaged around in the box and found an old hair clip. It was her grandmother's, a delicate mother-of-pearl antique, that she used to pin back a few of the offending tresses. She accented her face in natural tones designed to bring out her jade green eyes rather than the dark brown and black that she used to obscure them. She polished off the look and smiled to herself. She chuckled.

_I look so much like Mom,_ she thought.

Slipping on her shoes, she stepped out the door and headed to the local club.

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_All I wanted was to have a couple of drinks and to feel pretty for once. Is that too much to ask?_ She thought as the fifth drunken lunatic of the hour hit on her. She sighed as she swirled her very colorful drink in the glass.

_Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all._

She downed the rest of the fruity concoction, settled her bill and turned for the door when she met familiar old eyes.

All of a sudden, she was fifteen again, flirting with the newly enlisted men while her parents were on rotation off station and she was trying to stay under the bouncer's radar. She ducked her head and tried to hurry to the door without being too conspicuous. She felt his eyes on her the entire time until the door slid closed behind her.

_Yeah, definitely a bad idea,_ she thought as she hurried through the Ward and back to the Normandy, forgetting that she changed in her small room on the Citadel.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So, I got to a bit of a stumbling block with another story and just needed to write something. So, here is Kaidan's reaction to Shepard in the bar. Needless to say, Horizon was traumatic for both of them.**

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He didn't quite know why he had let himself be talked into going out that night. Clubs always seemed to give him a headache. His friends had promised that he could leave after they had a drink, but he still didn't know why they had to have the drink at this particular establishment. The flashing lights were always troublesome and the music was always just a touch too loud, despite it being fairly mellow.

Kaidan Alenko was fairly certain that this was definitely not a good idea, but he let himself be talked into it anyway, partly because he didn't feel like drinking alone anymore. It had been just over a week since he had seen her on Horizon, and he had spent far too many of those nights back in the depression he had fought for two years.

He couldn't help his mopey attitude as his few other acquaintances led him into the club, but he was trying to put on a good game face. They had after all gone through the trouble of getting him out of his apartment. He was not, however, prepared for the sight of crimson waves tumbling down a pale back before skimming the top of a dark green low-cut dress. Nor was he prepared for the vision before him to turn around and paralyze him with her jade green eyes. He watched while she ducked her head and hurried toward the entrance as his friends tried to shuffle him to one of the tables near the door. He couldn't help but watch her as she tried to not run for the door.

_I never thought I'd see her run from anything,_ he thought. He broke free of his friend's grasp as the door slid shut behind her. He slowly realized that she was running from him as his feet carried him after her.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This has been kicking around in my head for a while, but I was trying to focus on the other story, so I let it go by the wayside. Since I needed to just write something, but didn't have the time to dedicate to the more difficult story, I figured I'd play here. **

**And, two chapters in the same night? What is this? Well, I did change POV...**

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"Shepard."

She heard him calling her, but she just kept walking. She wanted to run, but couldn't quite bring herself to do so.

_How would it look for Commander Shepard to be seen running away from someone like that._ She chided herself as she fought the urge.

"Shepard." He had called her again, closer this time. _Perhaps he was running?_ She thought. She shook her head to herself but kept walking steadily.

"Shepard." The voice was very close now. She could hear the uncertainty and pain in it as she stopped and turned to him.

"What, Kaidan?" Her own voice was short, clipped and angry. Her heart was pounding in her chest as if she had sprinted the distance. Her breathing was shallow and her face flushed as she looked at him, really looked at him. She hoped he would think her coloring was from her anger. She hoped it was caused by anger, but when she looked at him, there was so many things running through her mind and heart that she wasn't sure.

"Shepard, I..." She could see his mind working, trying to find the words for what he wanted to say. His jaw clenched and opened. He tried to speak, but only succeeded in letting out a grunt or a sigh before closing his mouth again. She could see the confusion and uncertainty in his eyes.

_Even he doesn't quite know what he's doing here._ She realized.

"I was hoping we could talk." he said finally. _What? _She didn't know what she wanted him to say or do, but she was not expecting this.

"We did talk. On Horizon. You just didn't listen." She turned to leave, but felt a gentle grip on her arm.

"Please, Shepard?"

She turned back to him and folded her arms across her chest.

"Fine. Talk."

He looked around uncomfortably. Her eyes narrowed as she watched him.

"Look, could we maybe talk somewhere that's not in the middle of Zakera Ward?" His voice wavered a bit, more like the shy lieutenant she had first met than the hardened commander/former lover who greeted her on Horizon. She raised her eyebrows at the suggestion.

"If you have something to say, Kaidan, do it. I've already told you what happened." Her voice had grown cold as she felt herself shuttering off her soul, her heart. She let her anger lead her while she buried her desire. Her pounding heart told her to grab him, cling to him and never let him go, but she walled it off.

He sighed heavily in frustration as he ran his fingers through his slightly graying, wavy black hair.

"Fine, Shepard." he said, his voice matching her coldness. "Goodbye." He turned smartly on his heel and began to walk away. She had forgotten how much she had enjoyed watching him go. His armor on Horizon just didn't do his body the justice his slacks and shirt did.

_And, damn, he looks good in black_. She thought.

She quickly walked after him and slipped her arm underneath his, hooking their elbows, their shoulders rubbing.

"Fine, we can talk, but at the best restaurant on the Citadel." She looked at him out the corner of her eye. "You're buying."

He threw his head back in laughter, both cynical and relieved.

"Fine, whatever. Why'd you change your mind?" She felt him look at her, but he was surreptitious about his glance.

"I don't get a chance to dress up every day. I might as well not waste it."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: So another update to this story that was supposed to be a one-shot. I hope you enjoy this while waiting for me to get back to Beyond All Odds. I am running a summer camp for middle-schooler's this week, so I'm having a difficult time keeping my mind in that more serious world, especially since I don't really have Liara in my head well. This is much easier to write for me, especially while dealing with the kiddos.**

**Thanks to gracie21 and Rosethorn for your reviews, and thank you to everyone who has read, favorited or followed this story.**

**Anyway. More from Kaidan's POV. And a heads up: Slightly crude language ahead.**

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Kaidan felt an electric jolt shoot through him as she slipped her arm around his. He could feel his breath quicken with the nearness of her, and his mind returned, unbidden, to her body pressed against his as they lay together that night before Ilos. She had always had this effect on him when she was near. It was like they were oppositely charged particles being inexplicably drawn together. He had felt the pull the first time their eyes met.

And now, she was so close to him, walking with him so intimately, that he could barely think.

He watched out the corner of his eye as she shook her long mane of scarlet hair back from her shoulders and then smoothed the curly tresses away from her creamy neck and over her other shoulder with her free hand. He thought he could see her pulse hammering beneath the pale, freckle-infused skin, or he could be imagining it, just as he imagined his lips against it's pounding beat. He shook his head in an attempt to clear it, but the silence in which they walked to the rapid transit terminal did not lend itself to clear thought.

He hailed a cab for the Presidium and slid into the seat next to her. They rode in silence. A brush of knees or inadvertent touch of hands kept his mind reeling.

_I wonder if this is driving her as crazy as it is me or if she's doing this on purpose,_ He thought. _ How the hell am I supposed to talk to her when she paralyzes me so, makes my brain just... stop?_

He closed his eyes and thought back to Horizon. He had been so relieved to see her alive, but also so confused. It tore open a very recently closed wound with such force that it felt like he was bleeding out there in front of her. It felt like his heart had just fell out of his chest. He had been happy and sad and hurt and frustrated and angry and joyful and resentful all at the same time. He had wanted to hold her, kiss her, rip her out of her armor and make love to her, but he also wanted to punch her, shake her, talk some sense into her.

_And Cerberus? Fucking Cerberus?_

He had said things in such anger and frustration, things he didn't really mean, but now wasn't sure how to take back. He wasn't sure if such a thing was even possible. His heart had been swimming, and so his mind had taken over, but he had been so overwhelmed that now he couldn't even comprehend the full logic of the argument he had made.

And he had shut her down. She was right. He hadn't listened. He had just railed at her and hadn't even considered her thoughts or feelings or reasons.

He looked out of the darkened window in the cab without really seeing the beauty of the Citadel just outside of it.

He wondered if there was still a way out of this, a back door of sorts. He was pretty sure that she was the best damn thing to ever happen to him. He didn't know why or how she affected him so, but he knew that he didn't want to lose her, not again. Not ever again.

He couldn't live with that.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thanks to TheJadedStar and gracie21 for the encouragement and to all those who are following along. I hope you enjoy it! I am thinking of providing two alternate endings, because I'm not quite sure which path I want to take right now. However, even if I do so, there won't be a strictly happily ever after in either options. This is set in ME2, after all, and we all know there are still a few issues (more like subscriptions) between these two at the start of ME3.**

**Ok, so this is long, but there was no possible way to break this into any smaller pieces. More to come soon, but I need a rest because I didn't get much sleep last night. Oh, also, some rough language.**

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She fidgeted as they rode in the cab in an uncomfortable silence. The nearness of him was clouding her judgment. She didn't know if he was as conscious of her, but every time she moved, she seemed to brush against him. It sent shivers through her skin, which only made her move more, exasperating the effect. She could feel her resolve weakening but she pulled her anger around her like a cloak. She would not let things go unsaid this time. She had been too stunned and overwhelmed on Horizon to really think. She just remembered her relief at seeing him alive and well that she couldn't think. She heard his words and the anger in his voice but it didn't register, not really. She had tried to tell him what had happened, but she just couldn't get the words out then. She wouldn't let the opportunity pass her again.

The cab pulled into the transit station on the Presidium. She led him out onto the promenade.

**"**So, where are we going?" she asked, her skin prickling as his hand wrapped around her bicep.

**"**Just up the way here." He said. She could hear the tension in his voice, a ruddy undercurrent to his rich baritone that it took on only with her. At least it did, she reminded herself, wondering if the doctor he mentioned in his message could bring out that rawness as well.

She felt eyes watching them as they passed through the crowd. Catching their reflection in one of the many glass walls, it wasn't difficult to see why. They made quite the fetching couple. She had the exoticism of the human genetic extremes with her brilliant red hair that seemed too bright to be natural, her jade green and sea storm blue eyes set against her pale as snow skin. He displayed the beauty of a blended heritage. She had always meant to ask him about his ancestry, but had never found the time. Not that it was important or anything, but she was curious. She would guess some combination of Mediterranean, African and Asian or Native American, maybe Eastern European. His skin was sometimes olive, sometimes brownish-red depending on how much he had been in the sun, his hair was tightly curled and coarse, yet soft, but his caramel eyes were almond shaped set above high cheek bones and full lips. She shivered at the thought of those lips pressing against her skin. Suddenly his voice was soft in her ear.

**"**You cold?" He was practically purring in her ear. His hand slid down her arm to intertwine its fingers with hers, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its path.

**"**I'm fine." She said coldly, hoping to convince him the unsteadiness in her voice was because of her anger. They had stopped at the entrance of what literally was one of the best—and most expensive restaurants on the Presidium. Surprisingly, they were seated quickly at a table with an incredible view of the garden-like parks and the swirling nebula beyond the artificial light.

**"**You wanted to talk, so talk." She said looking out at the vista, at the napkin in front of her, anywhere but him.

**"**Yeah..." He started, then sighed as an asari waitress took their drink orders and told them the chef's special of the day and then directed them to some of her favorite dishes on the menu. When the waitress left, she stole a glance at him as the silence stretched between them. She turned toward him fully, watching him fiddle with the edge of the folded napkin. She could tell he was thinking hard about what he wanted to say, about her possible reactions because his forehead creased just so. She released a deep breath loudly through her nose, wishing she couldn't tell these things about him anymore. It would surely make her life so much easier.

"I... I really fucked things up." he said finally, his eyes never leaving the corner of the napkin he kept swirling around between his fingers. She felt herself laugh once, a cynical, bitter laugh.

"Yeah." she said. "Yeah, you really did." The bitterness had crept into her voice. She sighed and checked her next response as the waitress returned with their drinks.

_Why?_she chided herself. _Why did you let yourself fall for him, Mira? It's not like you're some silly school girl who's never been with a guy._ _Hell, even when you were a silly school girl, you never let yourself get involved like this, you never gave away your heart._ She took a sip of the wine she had ordered, letting the fluid warm her throat as she contemplated her next step. She didn't get a chance.

"I was so overwhelmed at seeing you. I mean, Christ, Shepard, you were dead! But there you were, standing in front of me, like nothing had changed. But everything had changed." He took a sip of his water, his eyes flicking up to hers briefly before settling on a spot near the center of the table. A tiny water lily-like flower floated in a dish of water that was somehow lit from beneath by a small candle. It was to this simple centerpiece that he locked his eyes as she watched him. On another day, she might be intrigued by the construction of such a piece.

"It was two years, Shepard. Two years during which I completely fell apart. I couldn't eat or sleep. I could hardly think, let alone function in the real world. I thought about killing myself on more than one occasion just to have the chance to be with you again, and do you know how ridiculous that is for me to admit? Seeing you there, it was like a wound that had just started to heal was ripped open. And you looked just the way I remembered you. I didn't know if I was dreaming or hallucinating, or if you really were real, but then when I looked at you, it was as if those two years were nothing, that they hadn't mattered to you. And that was like rubbing salt in the wound." His voice had been quiet, but was slowly gaining volume. She felt her fist clench as he spoke.

"How could you just turn your back on me, on us and what we believed in?"

Her heart was pounding and she could feel her bottom lip quivering slightly with rage.

"Turn _my_ back on _you_?" Her voice was cold, her cloak of anger and the pain of his words sufficiently suppressing any attraction she had felt for his earlier shy demeanor.

"How dare you, Kaidan? You have no idea what I have had to go through these last few months. And now you accuse me of being a traitor—again?" She takes a deep breath that was supposed to be centering, but the anger and hurt that had been churning in her belly finally bubbles over.

"Well, what really happened for those two years, Shepard? Because I sure as hell know that people don't just come back from the dead." His voice was matching the anger in her own.

"You want to know what I remember from those two years? OK." Her voice was full of fire now, growing louder with each moment, and she didn't care who might hear her.

"Nothing. I remember nothing at all from the two years I was missing; presumed killed in action. I remember looking in your eyes, ordering you to evacuate the Normandy while I got Joker's stubborn ass off the damn ship. I remember hauling him to the escape pod and practically hurling him inside. I remember the ship disintegrating around me, activating the pod and an explosion. I remember hoping against hope that someone would pick up my suit's transponder and find me before my oxygen ran out. But then, oh then, because the universe apparently has some sick sense of humor, I slammed into a piece of debris." She was practically screaming now, not just at him, but at the entirety of creation which had so perfectly conspired against her in that moment.

"And I don't know what goddammed genius decided to put the fucking oxygen line on the outside of the goddammed suit, but somehow, mine got snagged on... something and was ripped out of my helmet. I remember panicking as I vented atmo into the void around me, knowing for certain that no one would find me before I ran out of air, that I was, in fact, going to die. And all I could think of was the disappointment and worry in your eyes and how I wished I could have held you one more time." Her face was hot and damp with the angry tears that had escaped as she completely allowed herself to experience her not-so-last moments. She roughly wiped her hand against her cheeks, trying to bat away the offending droplets.

_I don't fucking cry._ She thought as more tears rolled down her cheeks. She could feel his intense and sorrowful gaze on her, as well as the stares of others around the room, but she couldn't see them through her blurred curtain of tears, nor did she really care.

"And then, I remember a cold, bright room with white walls and blarring klaxons and a voice telling me to get up, that someone is trying to kill me. And all I could think of as I returned to consciousness was 'Where the hell is Kaidan? Why isn't he here?' But I didn't really have time to think long because I heard gunfire, and the warning sirens and the voice kept telling me to get out. So I had to put on my Commander Shepard mask and get to work. I had no idea who was trying to kill me, or even who was telling me to run. When I found out that it was Cerberus, I wasn't exactly in a position to complain or debate philosophy. It was either go with them or die. I'm sorry you think I should have chosen the latter." Her voice was venomous, though she couldn't tell if her ire was more directed to Kaidan or to Cerberus. All she knew was that she was angry and hurt and frustrated and she couldn't stop crying, which pissed her off even more.

"Shepard." His voice was tense but worried.

She had never spoken so freely of her feelings, not with anyone, not since her sister died. She had never told him how she had felt, possibly still feels for him. Even now, with all her determination, she struggled to voice her emotions, but once she started, she felt washed away in their torrent and she couldn't stop. Her voice was shaking with the force of what she was letting herself feel and the tears rushed down her cheeks unbidden now.

"I tried to find you. I asked everyone I could think of. I even sent you messages, but I guess you never got them. Joker and Doctor Chakwas told me you'd be promoted, but when I asked Anderson, all I got was that you were on some secret mission that he couldn't tell me about because... well..." she barked out a laugh that was as mirthless as an elcor's vocal ability. Her voice softened as she grew quiet.

"What does one do with a dead Spectre anyway?" She felt him slide closer to her along the curved bench seat. The nearness of him was intoxicating, but she would not let herself be drawn in. She would fight her nature, her instinct to lean into him for comfort, or she would never be able to say her peace.

"When I saw what they were doing, the Collectors, I couldn't stand idly by, Kaidan. I wasn't expecting any help from the Council. I mean, we both know they would rather bury their heads in the sand, but even the Alliance turned away from me. It seemed like they didn't quite want to deal with the embarrassment of having their dead hero returned. But, you. You were there, you saw what they could do. I expected you to at least give me the benefit of the doubt. To trust me. I don't give a varren's ass if you don't trust Cerberus. Hell, I don't even trust Cerberus-everything they do seems too conveniently timed for my taste. But they were the only ones who would help me." She wiped her eyes, clearing her vision, but still couldn't bear to bring herself to meet his steady gaze.

"When I saw you on Horizon, I was... I just wanted to hold you forever. I never wanted to let you go. But then I saw your eyes and... you're right, it was as if everything had changed and suddenly I felt like my entire world was... melting around me, my heart was dissolving in my chest. You were so angry, and I tried to explain, but the words were all jumbled in my head and I couldn't make sense of the accusations and questions you were throwing at me. I was paralyzed and... I just missed you so much." She took a long drink of her wine before making herself look at him.

"When I asked you to come with me, it wasn't for the sake of Cerberus." She said the name as if it was a dirty thing.

"It was for my sake, Kaidan. I need you. You're my rock, my center." She could feel tears welling in her eyes once more and she tried to wipe them away. She felt the warmth and strength and the electric tingle of his touch as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close to him. She nestled her head into his shoulder, her tears dampening the fabric of his shirt.

"I need this." she whispered, as she felt her body shudder with her sobs. She sat there, nestled against him until their meal was served.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: A special thanks to winnie, gracie21 and TheJadedStar for the reviews. And a big thank you to everyone who has been reading and following this story. Here's that last scene according to Kaidan. And sorry, I had a bit of a Princess and the Frog moment in here. I'll hopefully have the next chapter up in the next day or two and will hopefully finish this sometime this coming week (with both ending possibilities).**

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He sat there watching her rail against him. He had never seen her so exposed before, and it tore at him. He heard what she said, but the words didn't register right away, only the raw emotion in her voice and then the tears streaming down her face. She was angry, he could tell, as he had never seen her before. Granted, he had seen her mad, but this—this was something else entirely. He was in awe at the purity of her anger, and he was ashamed to be the cause of at least some of it. He watched her fume, against him, against Cerberus, the Alliance, hell, even against the engineers who designed her old armor. She was anything _but_Commander Shepard then; she was just Mira. The last time she had been just Mira, they had both been much happier. But now Mira was broken, and he was struck like a blow with guilt for being the cause of it.

It wasn't that he hadn't seen her cry before; he remembered holding her as they grieved for those lost in the short time they had to do so after defeating Saren. But these tears weren't tears of grief. They were tears of anger and frustration and hurt. He had never seen these before and his guilt was like a stone in his stomach as he watched. He didn't want to watch, he didn't want to know, not really.

_But sometimes what we want isn't what we need._ He reminded himself. So he watched and he learned one of the hardest lessons in his life.

While he was still wasn't sure he really understood or could accept the truth according to her, he couldn't help but want to comfort Mira. He was drawn to her, sliding across the leather seat slowly, until he could reach out and touch her. Something stopped him. He heard himself saying her name, but it didn't register with her. She just kept going, falling further into the abyss, from anger to despair. How she described her feelings on Horizon was another blow to his heart. He loved her, sure, but she had never voiced the same feeling towards him. He had thought that maybe there was more to their relationship than just casual sex. She had certainly seemed happier when they were together than he had ever seen her, but he never imagined that she had grown to need him as desperately as he needed her.

Her mental break down was so complete that he felt as if she would literally, physically fall to pieces before him. He couldn't watch that, not when he could catch her. Moving as if in a dream, he wrapped his arms around her. He was a bit surprised when she curled into him as she once had, her head nestled into his shoulder, her knees pulled up and leaning against his thigh. She didn't embrace him back, but rather curled into a ball, like a child he was protecting. She would shudder against him every so often, releasing months of built up anger and fear. He felt a few empathetic tears sliding down his own cheeks as he tried to soothe her. A distant part of himself wondered if his biotic ability increased his empathy towards others or if he responded like this simply because it was her.

He stroked her hair, made soft shushing noises and did his best to comfort her, but he had to fight against his own doubts as well as his rising desire. Finally, he admitted to himself that no one could do to him what Shepard did, even if he still wasn't entirely convinced that this woman was really her. Sure, she was everything that he remembered, but he just didn't understand how she could be back now. Had she really been dead? Had she been alive, but barely when she was found and then forcibly kept in a coma until Cerberus had use of her? But he buried those concerns for another time. Whatever they did and whoever she was, Cerberus had used and hurt this woman who was as close to the only woman he had ever really loved as he could get. He would not stand for it. But his own anger at the terrorist organization could wait. Right now, she needed him.

The shuddering sobs against him slowly subsided, but he wasn't ready to let her go. She slowly uncurled herself a bit and wrapped one of her arms around his waist, letting the other rest lightly on his chest. Even through his shirt, he felt her touch like hot wax dripped on the skin. His eyes slid shut as he pulled her just a bit closer and held her just a bit more tightly. He heard more than saw the wait staff delivering their meal. To their credit, they didn't interfere with the embracing pair. They just did their job and left as quietly as possible.

_They'll be getting a good tip for that_, he acknowledged in one of the more easily detached parts of his brain.

He stroked her soft hair and inhaled the scent of her, something he had dreamed of doing again for so long that he didn't believe it would ever be possible. He could feel desire for her rising within him, but he tamped it down. Even if she was the real Shepard, and she certainly seemed to think she was, he knew that now was not a good time. So he contented himself with holding her and just being near her.

"I know this is going to sound incredibly petty and shallow, but you look amazing tonight." he whispered into her hair. She laughed at that. It was a broken, sob-ridden laugh, but it was a real laugh. Though it was mixed with bitterness and sadness, it was also very sweet. Her eyes met his then, shining emeralds in her pale face, and he couldn't breath or think. He fought the urge to kiss her, not wanting to screw things up further by misreading the moment.

"Thank you." she said, gratefully, a tiny smile fighting to find its way onto her lips. His vision narrowed to only those lips, luscious and full, painted a soft pinkish brown rather than the darkness they usually were. He closed his eyes in an effort to break her spell on him. He felt her slowly pull away from him, and the void where she had been was like a gaping wound in him. He had missed her, he knew, but he hadn't realized just how much until then, when she was pulling out of his embrace. She was like oxygen to him and now he was suffocating with her absence. He wondered if she felt his absence as keenly.

"This smells wonderful." she had said, her voice returning to some semblance of normality. He looked at her for a moment, scrutinizing her face. She had not completely fallen into the Commander Shepard persona, but she was no longer just Mira. She was more formal somehow.

"Yeah, it really does. I guess we shouldn't let it get cold." He felt himself compartmentalize the last few moments for analysis later and slide into a more professional persona. They ate their meal in silence, though it was no longer rife with the tension from before, but it was not exactly the comfortable silence of friends and lovers. He felt her glancing at him frequently, feeling that she had more to say. He knew that he did, but he was still trying to figure out exactly what to say and how to say it. He figured it could wait until after dinner.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thanks to my reviewers, whom I can't remember right now and I'm too busy working on the endings to go look up right now. Yes, we are coming to the end of this little tale, both options are going to be fairly long and I will post them the same day. Both will come with a bit of an epilogue as well, if everything goes according to plan. I hope you have enjoyed the story so far and I hope you like at least one of the two options given.**

* * *

They barely spoke during the meal, eating instead as soldiers often do, quickly, quietly and with little regard for the meal they are eating.

_It's a shame,_ Shepard thought briefly. She tried to slow down to enjoy both the food and the company, but his silence discouraged her. While the silence wasn't deafening as it had been earlier, she still felt a bit of strain in it. So she continued to eat her meal in silence. She couldn't help but glance over at Kaidan every so often. He seemed to be lost in his own thoughts, but occasionally he could catch her looking at him. She had said so much, most of it needed to be said, but some of it didn't come out quite right. He had moved back to the other side of the table and the absence of him was tangible and cold. Some part of her wanted to crawl back into his arms, another wondered why she left them in the first place, and a third was too embarrassed at her prior behavior to admit how nice it felt to be back there. So they ate in silence and left the restaurant as quietly as they came.

She second guessed herself as they shared a taxi back to Zakera Ward, wondering if she should apologize for what she had said or rather how she had said it. She certainly hadn't been her most rational self at the time. She sighed audibly as she looked out the cab's window.

"Shepard?" His voice was distant, soft, tentative. He was still looking out his window as she turned to him. "I'm sorry I can't go with you, but I just can't trust Cerberus after what I've seen them do."

She felt her heart fracture a little more, but she knew she wouldn't want him to sacrifice his ideals even if she could be with him.

"Don't worry, Kaidan. I'm not so selfish that I'd ask you again." She turned back to the passing scene outside her window. The brush of his hand through her hair drew her back to him. His eyes were filled with an ocean of sadness as he gazed at her.

"Shepard, I..." She leaned into the hand he had lain against her cheek, her eyes sliding shut, relishing the contact.

"Kaidan, don't." her voice sounded weak to her ears. She felt his lips brush hers lightly in an almost ghost-like touch, but it was enough to quicken her pulse and make her head swim. Fighting against her desire to pull him towards her, she grasped his wrist and pulled his hand from her face. When she opened her eyes, she looked firmly into his.

"Kaidan, I need you to promise me something." She was amazed at the sudden change in her tone as the gravity of her situation overwhelmed her.

* * *

**A/N: Ok, so now you have a choice. If you would like to see what my Shepard would actually have done (given that she ended up hooking up with Garrus in ME2), pick option A.**

**If you would like to see what I would have liked to see my Shepard do, pick option B.**

**(And I couldn't help pursuing a romance in ME2... there was an achievement for it!)**


	8. Ending A

**A/N: Thanks again to my reviewers and to all of you reading the story. This is what I would call the "Pragmatic" ending. I don't really know if I could pin either endings as Paragon or Renegade because it has less to do with Shepard's decisions being good or bad, but rather with her realistic interpretation of events. I guess, if I had to, I would say this would be the Renegade option.**

* * *

"Depends on what it is, Shepard." he sat back, amazed at how quickly the intimate moment between them ended. He did pull away from her entirely, content with her gripping his wrist for lack of any additional contact between them.

"I want you to promise me that you'll try to be happy."

He jerked his hand away from her and turned back to the window.

"Joker told me the hell you went through after I died. Kaidan, I don't know if there's even a small chance that I'll be coming back from this mission. If I don't, then I can die knowing that you'll at least try to find some happiness in your life." He heard her voice catch at the end. He stared out the window silently contemplating his next move. He could hear her fidget in the seat next to him and knew she was expecting an answer. The cab landed at the transit station and he got out.

_If she's not the real Shepard and just some expensive copy somehow, why would she even care?_ He thought. _Maybe she's just a really good actor. _He wanted so much to belive that it was his Shepard returned to him, but he couldn't let go of the nagging doubt at the back of his mind. He helped her out without really looking at her, but the feel of her hand in his shook him out of his reverie.

"Shepard, I really don't like reliving that part of my life, even though I do it." He sighed, his eyes misting with tears. "All the time."

"Kaidan." She reached for him, but he turned away. He couldn't bear to see the look in her eyes.

_Was that... guilt?_ He thought. He felt her arms wrap around his waist and her forehead press against the back of his head.

_Oh I hate it when she's in heels sometimes._ He thought, because the extra boost was enough to make them the exact same height.

"I know it sucked, to make the understatement of a lifetime. I know it sucked because ever since I saw you on Horizon, since Joker told me what you were going through, I can't help but wonder how I would feel if the situation had been reversed. I've lost a lot of people I've cared about, friends, family, and have been able to pull through and do my duty. But the thought of losing you, watching you die, it turns my blood to ice. So, I know it sucked, even if I don't know exactly how you felt." Her breath was a warm breeze the tickled the nape of his neck.

"You don't even know the half of it, Shepard." He covered her hands with his and slid his head to one side, so her chin rested on his shoulder. He pressed his cheek into hers.

_I'll be damned if she's not real_, he thought. She squeezed her arms around him and he heard her sigh slightly. He just wanted to stay like that forever, wrapped in her arms.

"I don't ever want you to feel like that again, Kaidan. So, please, promise me." Her voice was pleading and wore down any resolve he had left.

"No promises, but I'll try, Shepard." Even the thought of trying to love someone else like he loved her was torture for him. But he would do his best to please her, or at least honor her memory. "Now, promise me something."

"What might that be?" She asked, rubbing her nose against his shoulder. He turned in her arms, his eyes fierce with his demand.

"Whatever this mission is, you come back alive, so I don't have to keep my promise."

She smiled slightly, a quirky little smile as she looked down at the floor next to her. His arms slid around her waist

"No promises, Kaidan, but I'll try."

"I guess that's as good as I'm going to get." He rested his forehead against hers.

"Yup." She sighed as a stillness settled over them, quiet but anxious with anticipation of imminent departure. He soaked in as much of the feel of her as he could, knowing it could be the last time he may have to do so.

_Even if she is only a facsimile of my Shepard, I'm still grateful for the chance. _He thought.

"When I get back, we'll..." He felt her smile as her hand stroked his cheek. "renegotiate." She captured his lips in a very soft, feather light kiss before stepping away from him.

"Goodbye, Kaidan." He watched her as she walked back through the ward, disappearing into the crowd.

* * *

Kaidan lay in the bunk on the transport taking him back to Earth. He had managed to keep up with the comings and goings of the Normandy, but he was no longer in a position to rush to Shepard's rescue.

_Not that she'd need it._

It was then that he got the word that the Normandy had attempted to jump through the Omega-4 relay. He sat up quickly, nearly cracking his skull against the metal frame of the bunk above him, at receiving the news.

"Of all the hair-brained, irresponsible, reckless, dumb ideas, Shepard." he mumbled to himself. He thought back to the last time he had seen her; to Horizion, where he thought he had lost her forever and to the Citadel, where he learned to hope again, even if he still thought she was too good to be true. He thought of all the things he still needed to say, what he needed to tell her, of the emptiness in his soul without her.

"Sunavabitch." He flopped backward onto the bunk, sighing. "Why didn't she tell me? Probably because she didn't want me to worry more than I already would. Dammit." He rubbed his fists into his eyes. He had been migraine-free since he had seen her last, but now could feel one beginning to tickle his brain. He tried to send her a message, but it was bounced back to him, just like the last several he had tried to send. It only reaffirmed his fears that Cerberus was trying to control what information she received.

"Fuck, Shepard. I don't know how I'll be able to keep my promise. There is no happiness for me without you. I'm sorry, but I can't keep mine, so you'll have to keep yours."

* * *

The steaming shower was exactly what she needed. Mira Shepard let the hot water wash away her worries, her cares, her sins. She didn't know what exactly to expect once they passed through the relay, but she knew that she would face it with everything she could. She had very few regrets, but she knew there was nothing to do about them now. She missed her mom and wished she could talk to her one more time before she made her a childless widow... again. And she missed Kaidan. Oh god did she miss Kaidan. She had always marveled at his ability to say just the right thing when she needed him to, well, most of the time. She kicked herself for never having told him just how much she loved him. She was sure that he knew, but she wished she had actually said it. Stepping out of her bathroom, she looked at the face-down picture frame on her desk. She reached out to it as the chime to her door sounded.

_Garrus_, she thought. Flirting with the turian had helped to take her mind off of Kaidan, and while Garrus was quite likely her best friend, and definitely her closest one on this ship, she knew that there was nothing serious between them. It was more like curiosity and stress-relief. And oh did she need some stress-relief. Some of the other crew-members had attempted to catch her attention, but she just couldn't bring herself to trust anyone brought in by Cerberus. At least with Garrus, she knew he wouldn't let her fall, and he knew that he would never have her heart... not in the way Kaidan had it. She wasn't lying when she told him that she didn't want anything closer to home, because, and she hated to admit it, home was in Kaidan's arms and those were so very far away.

She smiled at Garrus' awkwardness with the entire situation. He seemed uncomfortable, and she'd be a fool to admit that she wasn't a little uncomfortable herself. But his uncertainty was endearing and she needed something to take her mind off of, well everything.

Garrus comforted her aching soul that night, but it was a poor replacement for the completeness she felt with Kaidan. Still she was satisfied, almost happy, as she fell asleep in the turian's arms.

* * *

**A/N: And that is the end of this story, well, as it likely happened with my Shepard (damn you romance achievements!) But I really liked Garrus, so it was kind of a no-brainer for me. My Shep wouldn't feel right hooking up with another human, and Thane was an unknown. For what happens next, you should read my super short one-shot, A Promise. **


	9. Ending B

**A/N: And now the "Idealistic" ending. I guess this would be considered Paragon since it leads not only to Shepard staying faithful, but to her not hitting up someone for a booty-call.**

**Thanks for the reviewers and readers and followers. I do intend to fill in more of the story, but it's going to likely be in bits and pieces throughout other stories.**

* * *

"Depends on what it is, Shepard." he sat back, amazed at how quickly the intimate moment between them ended. He did pull away from her entirely, content with her gripping his wrist for lack of any additional contact between them.

"If I don't make it back... I want you to promise me that you'll try to be happy." Her eyes were glistening again. He could see her trying to hide her sadness, but she was doing a poor job of it, at least to him. She might have fooled Garrus or Joker, but not him, never him. He had always been able to read the undercurrent of her emotions despite the masks she put in place to cover them. He sighed, taking her hands in his.

"Yeah, that's not going to happen." He brought one of her wrists to his lips. "There's no happiness for me without you." He could feel his eyes starting to water with tears. "Shepard, I can survive, subsist without you; I can go through the motions, but you are a part of me. I feel... whole for the first time in my life when I'm with you. So, no, I can't just try to be happy. It would be like trying to live with only half of myself." He could feel the tears on his cheeks and he didn't care. "I love you, Mira, more than I've loved anything, more than my own life. So you need to promise me something. You need to come back to me alive and well." He slid a hand around her neck, his thumb stroking her jaw as he pulled her closer. "You do that and I promise you, I'll make you the happiest woman ever." He kissed her then, slowly, passionately and felt her melting into him. He didn't care that they were standing in the middle of the promenade, or that foot traffic was flowing around them. He didn't even care that she might not be the real Shepard. She was real enough for him in that moment and he didn't want to let her go, not now, not ever. If she was a lie, he could live with it. He just couldn't live with Cerberus, not after all they've done. He was disappointed when she pulled away slightly.

"I love you, too, Kaidan. I..." He captured her lips again, pulling her tightly against him. Those words passing her lips, words she had never said before, sent him into a tailspin and peaked his desire for her. It had been over two years since he had been with her, or anyone, and he wanted nothing more than to hold her forever.

"Please don't leave me." he whispered against her lips.

"You know I have to go." she laid her head on his shoulder. "Gotta save the galaxy, you know."

"Just stay with me tonight, then? I can't bear the thought of letting you go through this without... without being there with you, to ease your mind."

"And my body... you forgot my body." she purred, nibbling at his neck. Her lips at his pulse sent electric shivers down his body and he pulled her tighter against him.

"Oh, no I didn't." His hands slid down her back and caressed her hips. He knew she could feel his rising desire. "Stay with me tonight? Please?" He lifted her head so he could look directly into her eyes. She smiled a small happy smile.

"Alright, Kaidan."

* * *

She was curled around him when the beep of an incoming message woke her. She groaned as she ignored it, burying her face into his chest. She didn't want to leave and whoever was causing that annoying beeping was only trying to drag her back to reality. And frankly, reality sucked, what with the race of creepy beings kidnapping colonists, the Reapers, and Cerberus, all of which were conspiring together to keep her from letting this moment linger, and from having more moments like it. The beeping was incessant. She looked over at Kaidan as he stirred. He shifted onto his side once the weight of her head had lifted, sliding out of her grasp. She sat up on the edge of the bed, her muscles aching and her head pounding from dehydration. She flicked on her omni-tool only to see a slew of messages from Joker. Apparently, Councilor Anderson had started to question why the Normandy was still docked at the Citadel, growing more irate with each time he had to contact the ship without a response from its commanding officer. She sighed. It was time to go. She crawled back to Kaidan and pressed herself against his back for one moment more, devouring the feel of him, hoping against hope that this night would sustain her through her upcoming mission. She would try her damnedest to get back to him, even if that meant walking through hell, which it did. She kissed his shoulder and brushed her fingers lightly through his hair and across his face, trying to memorize every detail of him before she disappeared.

After a few moments, she slipped from the bed and back into her dress and heels. As an afterthought, she grabbed the shirt he had worn at dinner and put it on over her dress, self-consciously as she headed back to the ship.

Kaidan rolled over to an empty but still warm half of the bed. He sighed as he pulled the pillow she had been using to his chest. It wasn't a surprise to find her gone, but he wished she had woken him before she left. The pillow still smelled of her, rosemary and mint with the undercurrent of grease and gunpowder and ionization and sweat.

"Just be careful, Shepard. Come back to me." He lay in bed, recalling her touch, her kiss. He lived in that moment just a bit longer before resigning himself to getting up for the day.

* * *

As he lay on his bunk, following the news of the Normandy's trip into the Omega-4 relay, he sighed deeply, frustration tickling his mind.

"So that's why she was so adamant that I promise her I'd try to be happy." he mumbled to himself. He knew why she didn't tell him where she was going. She could read him as easily as he could read her. She must have known how he would worry had she known, must have known that he would try to follow her, had known that he couldn't let her take that risk without him. He sighed as he rubbed his eyes.

"Please be careful, Shepard. I don't know if I can stand to lose you again."

* * *

The hot shower had been nice, relaxing in a way that most things weren't, but it didn't ease her mind. It didn't give her the hope she needed to pull this crazy mission off. The hot water had soothed her aching muscles, but it couldn't get to the root of the problem. She needed something, someone to take her mind off of things, to tell her that everything would be ok, that she could do this and come out fairly unscathed on the other side. She needed Kaidan. She toweled off and dressed quickly, determined to get back to work, letting her adrenaline fuel her.

The flicker of light on her desk catches her attention, drawing her eyes and then her body, as she sits in the chair. She runs her hand along the black frame as Kaidan's image stares out at her. It's not the best holo of him, and it certainly doesn't illustrate who he is. Still, it helps to calm her before she goes out to face the hell waiting for her.

"I love you, Kaidan. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner." she sighed, and found herself smiling a bit as she recalled their last night together.

"You best believe that I will get through this. For you."

* * *

**A/N: So this is the end I would LOVE to have seen, but my Shepard had other ideas. **


End file.
